Questions that can never be answered- Personal

Monday I was talking to my long lost cousin on facebook and it felt great to catch up. I know she has been going through a rough time recently and was good to see her online and talking.  I’m going to share something really personal with you all here as I just need too let it out.

I made a commitment with my friend Chris to blog at least once a week and this is what’s on my mind the only thing on my mind really.

My Story

Many years ago my mom was once married to my dad, they had three wonderful kids with the youngest being the most awesomeness son in the world (that’s me). Now I was so young I don’t remember much of it really. They separated their ways and that is where I begin.

I knew of my dad and who he was by name but I didn’t know much other then that, what did he do for living? Was I anything like him? Did we look alike? The one thing I heard and vowed to never be was a drunk woman beater. (again this is off of hear say, but it’s what my mom said to me. It is part of the reason I choose not to drink, that fear of being like my dad. Now it is unfair to think that but again I don’t know him or how he was I can only go from what was said to me growing up.)

I still to this day have many questions that can never be answered.

  • Why doesn’t my dad care enough about me and my siblings to be apart of our lives?
  • What did we do wrong?
  • Why didn’t his family want to know us?
  • Am I really that bad of a kid?
  • What really happened between my mom and him?
  • Why, why, why, why…
  • Do I have other siblings?

I kept going back many times growing up asking and wondering, now anything to do with my dad, even mentioning it brought up anger and hate from my mom then pushed to guilt, like “don’t I do enough for you, my love isn’t enough?” This shouldn’t be said to a kid and I only know this because I lived it.

My mom is great and I love her to pieces but she  is bat sh*! crazy at times and I wonder why it was always an issue of me wanting to know more.

I made contact with my dad when I was a young boy playing baseball, my team was in the championship and I called him up ( his name and number was in the phonebook). I still to this day remember every word said during that conversation, the emotions I felt, something you would never forget.

  • me:“Hello, is this Peter Danakos?”
  • him:”yes”
  • me:”it’s Luigi your son” ( I was so nervous I was literally shaking in the knees)
  • Him:”oh Luigi, how are your brother and sister doing? Your mom?” (WTF a$$hole, I’m the one calling you, ask about me!!)
  • Me:”good, well reason I was calling is that my team made championships in baseball and I would love for you to come and watch me play.”
  • Him:silent for few (which to me was like an eternity)
  • Him:” ok, I will be there, where is it and when?”
  • Me:shocked but excited” next Saturday at 2pm at slater park, we are the Pawtucket Marauders and wear gray, can’t wait to see you”
  • Him:”ok, talk with you then” hangs up

At this point I am super excited, I didn’t tell my mom knowing how she would get. Fast forward to game day. I know the other team and all the people there, I know the people for my team, no dad. Never showed up, called or anything. We won and that season was the last time I played baseball again. I love baseball, I played with a broken wrist, you couldn’t get me off the field, I would play any position my team needed to help them. I just stopped after that. And the wall went up.

Now I’m a young adult and still wondering about my dad. Through the years it was always there those questions and all, but I pushed it aside. Let life happen.

I was about to be a daddy and it weighed on me even more.  I got one of those online investigations done and had names an numbers of family on my dads side. I called and lady answered and she hung up when I said my name. I had no idea who she was.  My friend on providence police was going to do some investigating for me but I said no don’t worry about it. He wanted to make sure they weren’t bad people in trouble with the law, talk about a friend willing to do that and look out for you.

After my son was born it was still there, I drive by the address even to this day when I’m in the area, never the nerve to stop and knock.

I did call one of the numbers and spoke with my uncle Nick, he wanted me to go visit him, I let life happen and never went, couldn’t get the nerve up. Few years later I called the same Nick up but this time got my cousin Nicky, he and I started talking, I found out his dad was in and out of the hospital. I went and saw my uncle, the 1st person I could ever remember meeting . He was out of it and didn’t know who I was, but I did have great conversation with my aunt.

Years go by again and I was helping my Uncle Dave out and I get a facebook message from someone with Danakos in the name. Hi I’m your cousin Kristina. Finds out my dad has a brother and he has a daughter who found me on facebook. She had no idea about us.  We talk some I tell her I don’t know anyone on my dads side and she said me either.  She tells me my grandfather was alive still but my grandmother passed away. They were living in Florida with my Uncle. I was thrilled to connect instantly with her. Like we have known each other for years.

Three years later, I never called my grandfather in the hospital, I think while I was happy to hear about him and knew it would cheer him up, but I didn’t call.. I didn’t. I hate myself for not calling! I really can’t get over the fact that what I wanted all those years was right there and I said whatever and continued on with my life. I don’t have an answer as to why I didn’t call.

So this past Monday on September 23rd 2013 I was talking with my cousin and she said our grandfather passed away Thursday. I was sad and then while talking with her more I find out my dad (the man I’ve wanted to know for 33yrs died a few years ago) I think this hit me the most, even now as I write this. I am now beating myself up for the last 14years I could have made contact, I could have done more. My dad did look for us, not successfully but he did at some point wonder about us, reading that sent me in a turmoil mentally. Now I have even more questions.. questions that will never be answered.

Nerd’s Blurt

I love my cousin and someday we will meet. She is going to send me pictures of my dad and grandparents. You have to know where you came from to know where you are going. My dad was 60yrs old when he died, and I wasn’t there, why wasn’t I there, I should have been there, sons are suppose to be with their dads. Now I have many great influences in my life starting with my Poppa and his sons and daughters, who I have special connection with each of them in a separate way. I get a lot of my personality from my poppa and thankfully he is still alive.

My point for sharing is there are going to be things in life that you may not want to do or are afraid to do, don’t be. Just jump, which is what I have learned.